First Few Days.

These are my raw emotions an writings in the first few days after “it” August 3,2013

i have about a million thoughts in my head at once.

so much so normal sleeping is no more.

its funny that i honestly feel like my brain can live in a state of shock.

As your just in this intense state of autopilot because theres no way my brain can rationally process.

In my head i want to think what happened wasn’t that bad.

Then when I’m alone or faced with daily life i’m flashed back.

It echoes repeats like a broken record.

I don’t think I’ll ever stop asking myself why or how.

How could this man I loved known for years .

my best friend turn out to be the one to try to kill me?

Why?

Where was his love for me?

As he watched the air go out of me as he squeezed tighter.

As i gasped he looked into my eyes the whole time

over my body with both hands around my neck so tight

i could feel my throat crush

his eyes never left mine

i knew i was going to die

i thought about life before it went dark knowing

this man i trusted and loved now would be my death

I’m lucky he got scared

“i thought i killed you”

my failed attempts to call 911 all Failed

He yells how

he loves me

Yet yells how

“only he can have me”

“He might as well die then not have me”

“don’t you get it i love you that much”

Slammed into the tub

mouth full of blood

Him yelling how

“he loves me”

He takes a razor to his wrist then laughs and says

No i won’t live without you

You won’t leave me

i can feel blood and taste it

Cradling my head

“your lucky my dad has my pistol or we’d both be dead”

I hear the clock of a gun

the ery shudder hits me to the bone i just brace and wait

Praying to God to make it quick

My brain just shut off i tried every chance from there to run away

out the house window garage

every attempt failed i was trapped

i was to brutally beaten to fight anymore

dragged to the bed

“baby I’m sorry i love you”

My body shuddering

“you better start enjoying this i don’t want to start fucking a corpse”

“baby you know i love you”

thinking

“Oh my God!”

“God please End me now i can’t take anymore let me go now Lord”

“I finally see the peak of sunlight i can’t..”

Theres so much more to that night.

Yet so much i don’t want to remember

I’m so broken

So scared

How can this be it hurts so bad

i feel so ashamed

God it just hurts