I know I said NO

Fear

It’s paralyzed me for two months now

been in agony because of him

i told what happened

yet i didn’t tell it all

I was scared i was frozen

I couldn’t admit to it then

I thought maybe it didn’t happen

maybe i can block that fact out

maybe it’s not really that bad

maybe it was my fault

fear it paralyzed me

it sucked the life out of me

even in a hospital room guarded safe

i still was paranoid he would come

find me and flip out

i saw the monster he was

i wanted no part

maybe him coming to the hospital

scared me even more

his fear tact worked

i didn’t back down this time on telling

but i didn’t tell it all

maybe i still wanted to protect him

or scared and in denial i was

maybe it was the trauma

i thought i could deal with it

the more time passes the more its eats me alive

i know i said no

“i can’t do this please stop”

his reply

“you don’t want me to start fucking a corpse now do you”

i quit fighting i stopped

i just shut off

i was done

violated and abused in every single way

I still don’t understand it

I never will

when all you  do is love

love gets you abused

i don’t being to understand

maybe i should

but fear even now it scares me

consumes me

i feel like its something i must do

i don’t want to suffer alone anymore

he’s getting off with just a slap on the wrist

they don’t know the gruesome details

how can i share them

how can i confess

that my lover was a monster

who never took NO