pull the trigger

you swore you love me

yet were did you go

be faithful but tell me

were you ever

all you did was lie

you promised me love till forever

guess forever expired

planed dreams and a futre

made me build my life around you

centered it around you

you swore that you loved me

to me you’d always be true

you were my armor my protector

you would keep me safe

to dumb to young to see

you were the danger i should have run

you would be my dagger

my armor my protector

that vow to keep me safe

that vow to love

where did it all go

did you just rage

did you just see red

wanting nothing but vengeance

yet i did nothing but love

was the vengeance enough

weren’t your lies and infidelity damage enough

wasn’t that enough destruction

didn’t you ever have and ounce of mercy on me

yet you swore every day you loved me

keep me safe you vowed

where was that as you held that gun

was your hate towards me really that bad

was your life really that bad

all i ever did was love you

i never strayed always made you happy

tell me what did i do

that made you reach for that gun

to turn that gun on me?

vicious scars you left behind

so you go out to drown his memory away

with and attitude thats all so different from how you use to be

your confidence that once was this blonde is something worth your time

is now just something of bullshit 

cause honestly as much as you look in the mirror and the random hot guy tells you that your beautiful

all you hear are his words haunting you the times he told you 

“stop acting like a whore” “your wearing that God that looks horrible” “you don’t need to eat tonight”

“that makes you look fat” “I mean really linda thats not even cute” “why would someone want you

“

All those times and negative things run threw your head

No matter how pretty you may look under it all you feel two inches tall 

broken down and so unpretty 

he’s still winning and not even drowning  his memory into a strangers arms will do

“Don’t tell me you still care for him?” Domestic Violence life after struggle

Sitting here blaring a single song over and over Sail by Awolnation. Headphones on music as loud as it will go. Something about this song as it repeats several times. I just vibe to it. I think how it just fits into my life this past year.  The whirlwind that is my life still in so much shambles. Feeling fifty million different emotions every day. Trying to get back to normal but not really knowing what normal is. I like to call this new stage of life I’m entering “stage 2”

STAGE 2

Stage 1- 2

Over coming the destruction and trauma of domestic Violence. I now have went out of autopilot mode my brain has realized this is real life now. I no longer am in the WTF this isn’t my life this isn’t happening full blown denial stage. (which somedays i miss that) MY brain now process allot way more then i would like. I remember allot more now from that night and allot more of what he did to me. I use to remember only some of the major physical stuff but not into detail. That’s changing some still is blocked out ( I think my minds way of coping of dealing without overblowing itself). Theres certain things 2 months ago i did not recall my mind was just black. I think most of me didn’t want to face what a monster he really was. I just wanted to hate him but in this weird way. I was so confused at what to do thinking maybe what if and this isn’t really happening. He can’t be a monster.

Stage 2

I have come to realize this is real life. As sucky and hard as it is this is really life. This crappy hand I am dealt is mine and I have two options, either give up which will leave my daughter alone or work threw it. There are days when it breaks me it rips my heart out. I remember good memories now not just the bad. Like him teaching my little how to play ball. Like the numerous memories with the kids the laughs and love. My weekends consisted of the kids and him i loved that family interaction! We all did! I still miss it my little she does too she ask about them. We mention his little but not him. I now have good memories I can remember its not just the trauma and the millions of fights we had. I know can remember allot of good. We had allot of love and laughs. The things is the bad it outweighs the good 10000000000 to 1. Stage 2 its the heartache stage I feel like and I feel like you get the looks of. “How could you miss that POS?” “What no I know you don’t care about that POS!” It’s like its taboo to care.

Heartache

Heres the deal he wasn’t some random stranger I just met. I knew him for 8 years we were best friends and dated . I loved him genuinely loved him. Threw all that time you make memories and love with someone. As great as it would be when someone hurts you beyond repair all those happy memories they don’t disappear! They are still in your heart in your head. They still get to haunt you. Make you miss a monster the thing is heres the thing. You realize he is a monster and what you miss is a fantasy someone who doesn’t exist. Maybe he never did maybe he just played the part of some fantasy he thought I wanted him to be. He lied so much and thats what borderlines tend to do. They don’t care who they hurt. All the while it doesn’t save my poor little heart from breaking. It doesn’t save my heart from being shattered that the man i trusted violated abused me multiple ways. Yet that wasn’t enough seems was nothing but a liar and bad but i didn’t see this till I was out. You tend to never see it till your out. Sure I might of had a gut that he was bad for me but i loved him. I thought love was enough. Yet love meant nothing to him he probably never loved me. Which breaks and devastates you even more. That’s okay its hurt and its a breakup its pain. The thing is I have to remember the best thing is that I got away.

something?

blame it on me

when the trees turn and i just am reminded of the thousands of memories

its like the happy memories ones i forgot existed well they come crashing in

I think of us i think of how it all started 

A first kiss under stars 

A first last kiss how i wanted nothing more

thats what you were suppose to be all those promises 

the I love you’s that just flowed so naturally 

the look of love I had for you 

The love i thought you had for me 

Love I never doubted 

Friends forever you and i love always together

getting lost places just so we’d have a good story later on

the millions of places 

the passion love i thought you had for me

I believed in you 

i found solitude in you

something crazy but my solitude i found in you 

my trust i gave it all to you without hesitation 

believing you were true

Believing was it ever true though?

smile

i look at pictures of us

i see happiness see a girl in love

i see bliss

i look at pictures of me now

its a mere shell of who i once was

smiling seems so odd

i hate to smile in pictures now

i use to always smile

now a smile seems nothing but forced and fake

i feel like even the camera can see past my brokeness

the old pictures i miss that girl

the one who smiled

who’s life really wasn’t all that bad

now lifes hell

i miss happy days

i miss the way it use to be

late night sleeping in

staying in bed all day curled up watching old movies

now i just sit in bed staring at the wall

to on edge to focus on anything

i just sit there and think

to numb to cry

to hopeless

to broken

maybe

I’m getting by

slowly but surely i’m still alive so that means i’m getting by.

Days?

Well some days? yeah well some day’s I have full determination to thrive

Others there like today where I can feel the breaking in my chest once again

The whole void the me I lost

I just feel incredibly weak

lost without a direction

so i sit in solitude i sit and pounder how

how 3 months has changed everything

how love changes to deadly fear in one night

love breaks in seconds

dreams they shatter lies they all come crashing down

the lover you loved is now exposed for the true monster he is

The physical damage he leaves on your skin

is nothing compared to the emotional damage and scars he leaves

how with every hit he swears he loves you

begging for your freedom yet he loves you

you learn what a monster he truly is

As you beg to live

does it make it easier

does it save your heart as it becomes ripped apart

3 months may have passed

the feelings feel like just seconds ago

it doesn’t stop my heart from breaking

it doesn’t stop me from hurting

from aching from feeling so broken

yet I realize that tomorrows another day

So i smile and think maybe tonights

the night i sleep

tonights it’s the night i sleep with no nightmares first time in 3mths?

maybe tonight

No tonight was another failed attempt

day break comes

theres always another night i suppose

RANT OF CHANGE

I choose to be proactive I choose to try and make a difference. I may be just one single girl. I swear I will do my damnedest to try and see a change! I have read and heard so many stories so many like mine. So many worse and yet nothing gets done. Well there needs to HAS to be a change. Something in this world has to be done. Laws they need to be changed.

New York it has strangulation as a felony along with other states! How great is this because lets face it strangulation cuts off someones air supply which is one major thing and form of abuse. Also other states have passed Felony charges for interrupting a 911 call. Also False imprisonment laws have changed. Rape laws need to be changed!

So Many laws have to changed to protect the victims there isn’t enough protection for the victims and it’s something that has to change. The villains these monsters their getting away with so much. Our justice system is falling all to often. Yet then they wonder why women don’t speak up. Because the guilty have no course of action for their wrong doings. They get away with it and then think they can just do it again. Then when they do it again its worse because their mad she told. Trust me I know this all to well. I lived in fear of a monster. I still live in fear of a monster

So I vow that he might have stripped everything from me. Violated everything in me! He didn’t take my fight and by damn i’ll fight like hell to see some change or try my best to make a difference. I know there are way to many girls out there like I was and who need help. So i’ll fight for change so hopefully we can make a difference.

24

24 months

just 24 months of probation

misdemeanor and some other random charges

24 months

i heard to day he took the plea

he took the deal

just 24 months

thats all he gets for beating me

for grueling hours i cried begged yet

just 24 months

he pulled a gun and struck me

time after time strangled me yet

just 24 months

he forced his way on me I said NO

He said you don’t want me to start fucking a corpse now do you?  but yet

24 months

it’s all he gets for destroying me

for trying to ruin me

just 24 months

basically a slap on the hand like he slapped me

he got away with so much destruction

just 24 months

is all he gets for destroying me

my life he destructed in one single night

just 24 months for a monster

irrationally you

“it’s your fault I just love you so much. You made me lose my temper.

I can’t stand the thought of losing you and i lost it. You just made me see red. You don’t realize how much I love you. I mean i’d rather die then not have you. Don’t you get that you don’t do you? I’m going to always love you don’t you see that. If only you wouldn’t of acted like that I wouldnt of lost my temper. Baby i love you i can’t lose you i’m going to marry you. I’m so broken up about this. Baby this is killing me. You don’t realize how much i hate what happened. I have been shook up all day thinking about what I did.”

Thats what he told me after it happened. See it was all my fault and all about him. As if he thought I really cared what he felt. In constant pain I didn’t care what he felt like. He had not a single mark on him. I was covered in damages left by his hands. Yet it was still my fault in his mind his delusional mind. He blamed me and thought i cared so much about how he was. Even after he went to jail he still thought he should annoy me with messages. It never stopped. He thought he did nothing wrong really. He thought i would cave like i had every time before.

I know I said NO

Fear

It’s paralyzed me for two months now

been in agony because of him

i told what happened

yet i didn’t tell it all

I was scared i was frozen

I couldn’t admit to it then

I thought maybe it didn’t happen

maybe i can block that fact out

maybe it’s not really that bad

maybe it was my fault

fear it paralyzed me

it sucked the life out of me

even in a hospital room guarded safe

i still was paranoid he would come

find me and flip out

i saw the monster he was

i wanted no part

maybe him coming to the hospital

scared me even more

his fear tact worked

i didn’t back down this time on telling

but i didn’t tell it all

maybe i still wanted to protect him

or scared and in denial i was

maybe it was the trauma

i thought i could deal with it

the more time passes the more its eats me alive

i know i said no

“i can’t do this please stop”

his reply

“you don’t want me to start fucking a corpse now do you”

i quit fighting i stopped

i just shut off

i was done

violated and abused in every single way

I still don’t understand it

I never will

when all you  do is love

love gets you abused

i don’t being to understand

maybe i should

but fear even now it scares me

consumes me

i feel like its something i must do

i don’t want to suffer alone anymore

he’s getting off with just a slap on the wrist

they don’t know the gruesome details

how can i share them

how can i confess

that my lover was a monster

who never took NO