the devil i called love

nothing gets you like heartache

that throbbing pain in your chest

that suffocating moment

when you feel the world stop

when you wish it would

when you wish it would just go on in reveres

when you wish you could find the rewind button but you can’t for the life of you

you hate the moment

you just barely hold on

praying hoping something will stop it

this fast pace killer destruction devastation sharp feeling

all because you fell in love one time

one time just one evil time

one destructive damaging time

thats love though you never know which side you’ll get

the devil or the angel

for me i found the devil who scared me ten thousand way till sunday

damages that will never be healed

but i played with the devil and scars is what i got

“Blink back your tears princess, just smile and nod like everything’s okay.”

 

Sober sting

Tired one simple yet complex word
Yet it sums up about a million thing in my life
Tried- of giving a damn
Tired of trying if carrying of just hurting and pretending I’m okay
Just so I can fool the world into thinking I’m doing better again.
Tired so tired of pretending that this bad luck bad dooms day cloud isn’t consuming me
Tired of feeling like the weight of the world is to much to breath
Tired of smiling of making everyone else happy
Tired of pretending
Tired of it all

life

It’s been awhile since i have wrote. Little bit of life a broken elbow collar bone and some badly torn neck muscles. the right handed cast kept me from typing well. That and some majestic writers block. Bask the pain i guess. Trying my to get over everything. I was doing well so i thought more like i was well at band aiding the situation. I wear one hell of a mask. I think its invisibly well. Like so good no one notices. Yeah that’s wrong because the wise words of someone this weekend. Struck me to well that it was not so well it wasn’t such a great mask i put up. 

 

Destructive… Anyone been there? STAGE 3?

That stage when your just darn destructive and you don’t care?when you can see the spiral effect and see how fast it can go yet you try. I’m trying to not be so darn destructive. I see it happening i know whats going to happen. Yet i still let it. I stop it for most effects. some i can’t some i don’t want to because i just want to kill the pain. I see me slipping yet i let no one in. i slip and fall alone because that’s all I’ve ever been. besides when i had him. look where that got me. so this is my issue of nothing ever wins. i’m trying i really am. trying to not fall into a dark hole and drink away my pain and turn to someone to make the pain go away. As much as i want to and feel the need to i can’t and it sucks. i’m destructive though i see it though its bad and it always goes back to him.

destructive

destructive

it’s all i am 

it’s what i am

it’s what you where 

it’s what you did 

it’s who i am now

it’s what i do 

destructive 

it’s all i know how to be 

emotions 

i destroy them

people i destroy 

relationships forget it 

all because of you 

I’m destructive ruined 

they might not see it 

but i see it 

i feel it

i feel the need to destroy 

to run 

to be destructive 

with their emotions with their carrying 

i destroy it when it gets to close

because I’m destructive 

like a ticking time bomb 

because you ruined me 

because fear it consumes 

so i deflect and destroy 

but at least i’ll warn

all that’s really hurting is me 

all i really destroy is me 

day by day 

i destroy me more 

 

Old memories

Ill tear down your pictures
Erase your number from my phone
Burn your clothes
Try to erase every memory I have of you
8 years of friendship
Millions of happy memories and love made
All gone now
These bruises on my skin
This break on my bone are the chilling reminder
This love will never be anything but bad
Don’t give me your excuses and but baby plez
No you don’t love me the moment you hurt me is the moment you proved that

the damage of love left behind

it’s like venom in my brain

coursing threw my blood

poisoning me

all those bitter sweet lies he told me

he’s and abuser  you say

he’s toxic you say

he’s deadly i know this

he’s mental i know

i get this

this still doesn’t stop my poor heart

from being broken you know because

his controlling ways they controlled me for so long

yet i loved him so much

i just can’t break that love because of one night

i won’t go back

but i still miss what i thought we had

the him i swore he was the love i thought i knew i had

but its all gone now

so now i have to heal all these wounds

and this poor broken heart

Psalms 10

• Psalm 10:1-18 NIV
• [1] Why, Lord, do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble? [2] In his arrogance the wicked man hunts down the weak, who are caught in the schemes he devises. [3] He boasts about the cravings of his heart; he blesses the greedy and reviles the Lord. [4] In his pride the wicked man does not seek him; in all his thoughts there is no room for God. [5] His ways are always prosperous; your laws are rejected by him; he sneers at all his enemies. [6] He says to himself, “Nothing will ever shake me.” He swears, “No one will ever do me harm.” [7] His mouth is full of lies and threats; trouble and evil are under his tongue. [8] He lies in wait near the villages; from ambush he murders the innocent. His eyes watch in secret for his victims; [9] like a lion in cover he lies in wait. He lies in wait to catch the helpless; he catches the helpless and drags them off in his net. [10] His victims are crushed, they collapse; they fall under his strength. [11] He says to himself, “God will never notice; he covers his face and never sees.” [12] Arise, Lord! Lift up your hand, O God. Do not forget the helpless. [13] Why does the wicked man revile God? Why does he say to himself, “He won’t call me to account”? [14] But you, God, see the trouble of the afflicted; you consider their grief and take it in hand. The victims commit themselves to you; you are the helper of the fatherless. [15] Break the arm of the wicked man; call the evildoer to account for his wickedness that would not otherwise be found out. [16] The Lord is King for ever and ever; the nations will perish from his land. [17] You, Lord, hear the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry, [18] defending the fatherless and the oppressed, so that mere earthly mortals will never again strike terror.

 

Smiling again! Domestic violence aftermath struggle

I focus allot about the hurt and heartache and abuse that has happened. God knows there has been enough. Enough I pray to last my whole lifetime. This blog is my journey of feelings of how it feels. These past few months have been devastating breaking in a million different ways. 

I have seriously hit rock bottom and somedays feeling like i’ll never get back up. 

 

I’m no longer me and I don’t think I ever will be again. That’s okay God sometimes needs to rebuild us. The old me well she wasn’t that great. Now it’s time for a million different changes and now I can rebuild from the ground up. I can let go of my anger towards God of where was he that night! He was there making sure the gun didn’t go off he was there making sure he let go at the last moment or i’d be dead. 30 seconds more and I would be dead. God was there he heard my prayer. He kept me alive for a reason. I don’t understand this reason right now. I may not ever! I hope someday I can it would be nice to. Sometimes God’s will and ours are on different sides of the world. I’m rebuilding and learning  to recover. Learning to heal because that’s what I need to do it’s what has to be done.

 

Now I pray for a million different things and I hear he hears my prayer! That I am a warrior and for the first time in months this past weekend I smiled like really smiled no forced no cheerleader fake girl smile. I smiled I laughed and I had fun. I went out and wasn’t so overcome with paranoia. I had fun I was able to smile and laugh and act silly. Things still got to me but for the most part I did it.

 

I also walked into church for the first time since it happened. I had resentment towards God. Resentment that this was the place him and I would go and started to go. I also was mad because i was going to church had him sometimes going as well. I just was to scared he would show up. I stayed a hermit! My anxiety over came me. I broke that wall. For the first time in 24 years I felt God call me speak to me. This peace of you don’t have to fight this on your own anymore was overwhelming amazing! My heart was over flooded with emotions and I felt loved real love something I hadn’t for a long time. So with trembling knees I walked up front and said my prayer and prayed. For change for strength for direction for purpose! That God turns such a dark time into my life into something good. That somehow he heals all this destruction and darkness. So this is me the girl who never needed anybody realizing I can’t do it on my own anymore! Nor will I!! This is me wanting to be a Christian Warrior! This is also me smiling again! 

 

Always,

L

 

All his lies  enough to fill the grand canyon I’m sure that still don’t stop the hurt.

I look back now and realize just how toxic he was. But i loved him so much. I thought we were meant to be it was something we were going to work threw. I thought he could be helped. His irrationalness made me irrational. I look back now at all the baby i love you’s i miss those moments. They didn’t last long before I made him mad at something else. I spent more time in my relationship feeling alone. Still don’t stop me from loving him now and missing what i thought i had. I just realize what he is and a monster is what he is.